Thursday, June 28, 2007

The Ups and Downs

           

         

(This was written yesterday (Wed.)

I’m still smoke free. It was one month yesterday. I’ve been through just about every emotion there is in the past month, including a free fall into the abyss of depression. After 16 years of nicotine addiction, I have no idea who the nicotine free “Chris” is. I ask myself every day what is it I enjoy doing and come up empty; devoid of just about anything; yet I wouldn’t classify myself as clinically depressed. I’m just sort of empty right now. I have to wonder if I was avoiding life by hiding behind my computer, PSP and cigarettes. Sheesh, I sure hope not because I loved creating.

The problem I had with my pc was that I smoked there constantly and couldn’t sit still for very long without a cigarette when I first stopped smoking. This should be less of an issue now as I rarely have a strong cigarette craving.

Last week I thought I had strep again. It wasn’t. It was a viral throat thing that is still plaguing me off and on. Now, I come home and vegetate on the couch in front of the tv…oy. I just want the old me back again. Joey’s doctor said last week that it’s almost impossible for people with mental problems to quit smoking. Nicotine is a HUGE pleasure drug, quoting Dr. G. I was half tempted to tackle Joey and steal his spot on the couch. Well, it may be but neither depression nor a nicotine addiction is going to conquer me. I’ve been through much worse and come out better for it.

Anyway, good news, Ms. M. got herself an internship in Pittsburgh with one of the largest financial institutions and is making some darned good money doing it. She started Monday and takes the bus with me so no more midnight through dawn pick ups. I’m so proud at how she is turning her life around plus she makes dinner every night when we get home.

Joey tore something in his knee jogging with Meg and needs to get an MRI done tomorrow.

So life marches on. I have to thank all of you that checked up on me while I was MIA. It touched my heart and many times, I was just too numb to respond. I have beenreading journals but find myself so far behind. I’m going to start off fresh so I don’t totally overwhelm myself. ROFL…can you believe this is me saying this? Yikes…overwhelmed with journals; not the certified PSP/PC addict. Love you all and hope the worst is behind me. Nope, the worst is definitely behind me.

Now, it's Thursday.  I would have posted this yesterday but had DSL problems from huge storms.  LOL...figures, the first day I really wanted to be online, and I kept getting kicked off.  I'm hanging in there but definitely would not make it as the poster girl for smoking cessation.  Love and hugs to all.  I have a few snags that have been hiding in my Photobucket for quite a while.  (If anybody wants them tagged, let me know.) Think it's time to get back into my life again.

            

         

        

46 comments:

chevyz71gurl74 said...

Congrats on still being smoke free!!!
I've never smoked so i can't imagine how
hard it would be quitting...that would be like me
giving up soft drinks...it's freakin hard!
Keep up the good work Chris...you can do it...
I've been missin you =)

Hugs,
Terri

chat2missie said...

Congrats on being smoke free for 1 month!  Love your tags.
Missie

jeadie05 said...

Very well done on packing up the weed ,Ican see how difficult it must be to adjust ,but as you say the worst is behind you now ,Iam in awe of you ...love Jan xx

springangel235 said...

I knew you could do it!!  You need a big hand of congratulations...in my book!  So many try, so many can't...you did! Your a success.  I am so proud of you!  AND of course you were missed by so many...I will be one of 100's probably...
Congrats to M...well done!  And Hope the MRI comes out okay for Joey.
And finally, no matter when you wrote anything...welcome back my friend.  You take your time...we are here.  You know me, always something cooking, other than food at my digs...LOL   Hugs and lots of love,  oh...I snagged ALL!  Great job!

Joyce

lisa41076 said...

Chris, congrats on being smoke free for a month, I have missed you so much lately, glad you're back !!!!!!!!!!!! Hugs Lisa

nightmaremom said...

YEAH!!!  Thrilled to see this entry.  You've been missed my friend.
Congrats on everything.. what an accomplishment.
love ya
d

ktkamanski said...

Love that your hanging in there ~ This is not an easy task! They (who ever They are) say quitting smoking is one of the hardest addictions to withdraw from. And look you have made it through a month! yahoo!!!!! Congrats to you! Hope your days become more comfortable for you! Take care,
Katie
http://journals.aol.com/ktkamanski/AlwaysBelieve/

jckfrstross said...

keeping you in prayer:) (((((((((((((((Chris)))))))))))))))))))))

Deb

my78novata said...

Father bles her help her get a gusto and take up and move on and with strenth amen. glad to hear the good news

seraphoflove9001 said...

Keeping you in my prayers hon.
Lisa

tendernoggle said...

Praying for ya Chris...You are doing great!!!
HAng in there!!!
love ya,
carlene

queeniemart said...

i have missed you beyond words. Truly. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. i love you, lisa

dreamingbrwneyes said...

Most people don't make it as far as you have. You have accomplished something HUGE and although you feel like crap now your still going strong and determined. Pat yourself on the back for your success and take your time getting back in the swing of things on here. Sometimes its just too much, actually most of the time. It's hard to find a balance.
Take care of YOU!! Love the graphics. And so happy to see an entry from you.

~ Jenny

sangrialel said...

congrats on being smoke free still. Linda

kalekinileilani said...

I love these tags they are so cool...Sally please on them
I like the summer vacation, the red cowboy boots and the I am to sexy for my skin....awesome hugsss and thank you so very much Sally

doclove64 said...

Wonderful tags. Congrats on being smoking free

bgilmore725 said...

You wrote something very profound... "I’m just sort of empty right now."

Getting "empty" is something many people make great effort to achieve... getting empty is very important for spiritual insight. Think of it as purging. Cleaning out the closets. Throwing away everything that doesn't matter. Getting rid of junk, baggage... when you get empty inside, Chris, it makes you open to be filled again with something much better. Think of it as a spiritual task. Monks empty themselves on purpose. When we do it (get empty), say when we are experiencing a depression or about to change something in our lives, which is unsettling, it feels uncomfortable. We aren't used to being empty. We are used to our habits.... our music, our TV, our cigarettes, our chocolate, our romance novels, our phones.... our computers, yes, even our journals on-line. When we allow ourselves some time away from all these things that take our mind and our time away from what is really important, we turn to inner thoughts and feelings. Only when we become empty can we see what is most important in our heart and mind. It takes time, be patient. At first, it doesn't feel good when it happens, but when you see the results, you'll know it was the right thing to do. Someday, you may even do it on purpose!! It happened to me twice. I'm not afraid of it any more. Getting empty is essential for spiritual insight. Bea

stansgirl2004 said...

HI sweetie would you be a doll and put Marina on the bottom two? i'm a bit in the dumps and it would really cheer me up

hugsdoodlewacky said...

(((((((((((((((((HUGstOYOU))))))))))))))))))I am very proud of for quiting,I know its not easy,I dont smoke,but,I watched my Mom and knew how hard it was for Her,I probllay told you before,that She has stoped,that started and has now stoped for a few years now,but,let me tell you,she still wants one to this day.Hang in there.I also know whats it like to be adddicted,I was with pain killers and I would love to have one right now.But,I know you can do this.Have a nice weekend.

lanurseprn said...

I'm glad you're doing ok. I'm so proud of you for sticking with your smoking cessation program!! GOOD JOB!!
That ol' depression is so hard to fight. I'm sorry you're feeling it now. But, you've told me when I've been having it bad that it does lift. So now I'm telling you...it will lift and you will feel better.  But, I know what HELL it is now and I wish I could give you a big hug.
Love ya,
Pam

sugarsweet056 said...

Congrats on still be smoke free!  :)
WOO HOO for Ms M!
Hope Joeys knee will be ok.
Hugs,
Sugar

layla44808 said...

Smoke free, you should be very proud of yourself....
Great work here, thanks,
Sheri

gehi6 said...

So glad to read an entry from you again.  And very glad to hear Megan is doing well. I could just picture you going sleepless getting up to take her to work. Sometimes so much is coming down it silences one.  Sounds like you have been having cigarette stoppage doldrums.  Sounds very like my son when he was about that far along in quitting.  Glad you are still struggling with it, I mean not giving up.  Gerry  

fisherkristina said...

Honey, I am so proud of you for going smokefree for that long!  And it must be hard starting over finding out who you are.  Perhaps you have hid your emotions in cigarettes.  Now dealing with them is hard.  You know what, hon?  Please consider the fact that you could be clinically depressed.  Especially if things go on, you may want to go get yourself evaluated.  We can't always judge ourselves, to see if we are depressed or not.  There is no shame in depression.  I have had to struggle with it in my lifetime and am on antidepressants.  Just consider it, Hon.  

Krissy  http://journals.aol.com/fisherkristina/SometimesIThink

rdautumnsage said...

Congrats on a month smoke free dear one! Missed you big time hon. I've had a few battles of my own on my homefront so I totally understand wanting to step away for a bit. Wonderful news on Megans internship. Hopefully this will inspire her to keep her head up and out of trouble. Sorry to hear about Joey's knee hope everything turns out alright. Wishing you love and peace hon! (Hugs) Indigo

cherry2sweet2eat said...

glad you kicked the habit for that long hopefully you can stay off the cigs forever.

astoriasand said...

Hi Chris I am so happy to read a post from you.Well girl you have certainly done soooooooo well much better than I could have done CLAP CLAP and I pray you can continue now and with good health and lets see the new you that you wish for yourself.I am happy everything is going nicely with Megan too.Keep up the good work and missed you plenty .Thanx for the snags I got one of them.Take care God Bless Kath
Astoriasand http://journals.aol.co.uk/astoriasand/MYSIMPLERHYMES

jlocorriere05 said...

Well done Chris, giving up smoking is certainly a big achievement! It's so good to see you posting again, I was worried about you! I suppose many of us spend way too long on our computers reading journals, it is a kind of addiction here. I'm so pleased Megan has another job too, hated the thought of you having to go out in the dead of night to ferry her around. Take care and have a nice weekend! Jeannette xx  http://journals.aol.co.uk/jlocorriere05/Welcometomytravels/  

drb1064 said...

Well done with the not smoking I have tried and failed many times.
Debbie
xxx

pharmolo said...

Well done on keeping off the cigs, Chris. Nicotine is nefarious for its spectrum of effects.

emmi2sweet said...

I'm so very proud of you for staying strong & kicking the nasty habit. Emmi

dwhee70041 said...

Chris,
I can't express how proud I am of you kicking that nasty habit.  They killed my father.  I also suffer from depression but I know what is causing mine, so I deal with it.  Heart meds have some strange side affects.  I have missed you.  
(((((HUGS))))) and smiles,
David

kalekinileilani said...

Missie, I need a few more if I could have them on the red Cowboy boots I have a few friends that would love this tag

Jen, Emmi, Bonnie, Poetry hugs and thank you so much Sally

and on the summer Vacation I need..the names  Poetry and N~ina on that one please.... and N~ina spells her name like that

hugsss and thank you for all your kindness Sally

penniepooh said...

(((CHRIS)))  Welcome back online! Although we have been in touch here and there, I miss your journal updates. I know it`s been a tough month. You are one strong lady! Glad to hear Megan is doing well and I hope Joey`s knee is okay.
Love you xo
Pen
http://www.myspace.com/pennysplace2gogh
http://journals.aol.com/penniepooh/pennys-pieces-of-ohio/
http://journals.aol.com/penniepooh/let-the-earth-rejoice/

princesssaurora said...

Chris,

I am sending you hugs, love and lots of prayers... I hope that you fight your way thru it quickly... I am glad to see you back and I pray that it is the beginning of better times for you!

be well,
Dawn
http://journals.aol.com/princesssaurora/CarpeDiem/

siennastarr said...

Chris..  Congrats on going 1 month without smoking.  Girl, I know that is a really hard thing to do, but, God Bless You, YOU are doing it!  I know it's tough.. but, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I didn't realize you were MIA.. but then, I'm not on here as much as I used to be, so don't always realize that someone else isn't either.  At any rate, I'm glad you are back online and venting, and making graphics again! :)

Thank you for your sweet and caring email you sent me.  I appreciate your love and concern, more than you know..

Love and hugs
Jackie

queenb8261 said...

Congratulations on 1 mo. smoke free. You have it beaten if you can stay away from smokers for a while. I quit Nov 97 when I was 43. It'll be 10years without so much as  puff. IF I CAN DO IT, ANYONE CAN. LOLOL Hope Joey's MRI comes out ok and you're no longer having to get out and play chaufeur in the middle of the night.  You've always been the real Chris. Just sidetracted a little on the way.
Take care friend. Luv N Hugs, Barb
http://journals.aol.com/queenb8261/DiaryofaMadwoman/

thegirlnexdoor77 said...

I swear everything you are saying I feel right now...so I will be praying for you..and it is sure does drain you when you feel like this...I wish nothing but happiness for you...I hope that you can continue to remain smoke free..and so hope to one day join you...Big hugs,TerryAnn

nay0114 said...

congrats on being smoke free... my mom smoked all her life and it ended up killing her so I'm glad you're trying so hard and yes it is hard to do, but so worth it
Take care, Chrissie

bgilmore725 said...

Hope you are feeling better, Chris. THinking about you. bea

tpiez4me said...

Yay for Miss M!   Megga job with megga money and YAY to you too for STILL being smoke free!  You can do it!

fisherkristina said...

Chris, are you okay?  I am praying for you.

Krissy
http://journals.aol.com/fisherkristina/SometimesIThink

xxroxymamaxx said...

I knew you could do it Chris! Hang in there.  You're not going to get your old life back though because you're going to be different now that your smoke free.  A lot of things change when that happens.  For the better!  You don't have to live for your next smoke anymore.  You can live for you now.  Love, Shelly
P.S.  The cigarette companys don't have their hold on you anymore either.  Freedom!!!!

princesssaurora said...

Missing you, Chris... sending hugs....

be well,
Dawn
http://journals.aol.com/princesssaurora/CarpeDiem/

kalekinileilani said...

I love all the tags you made for me...they are so beautiful and I cant wait until I get to use mine and give them to my friends. I forgot to get the cowgirls one for Brenda, she will be so sad. most all my friends love western...please ..on the tag name for Brenda ...hugsss and thank you so much Sally

bridgetteleigh75 said...

Hiya!

I'm not sure if this is still open or not?  If not, no worries.
If so, I'd love the summer vacation and the eiffel tower graphics, both tagged with the name, Bridgett.

Thank you so much!  

bridgetteleigh75@aol.com

XOXO,
bridgett