Thursday, June 28, 2007

The Ups and Downs



(This was written yesterday (Wed.)

I’m still smoke free. It was one month yesterday. I’ve been through just about every emotion there is in the past month, including a free fall into the abyss of depression. After 16 years of nicotine addiction, I have no idea who the nicotine free “Chris” is. I ask myself every day what is it I enjoy doing and come up empty; devoid of just about anything; yet I wouldn’t classify myself as clinically depressed. I’m just sort of empty right now. I have to wonder if I was avoiding life by hiding behind my computer, PSP and cigarettes. Sheesh, I sure hope not because I loved creating.

The problem I had with my pc was that I smoked there constantly and couldn’t sit still for very long without a cigarette when I first stopped smoking. This should be less of an issue now as I rarely have a strong cigarette craving.

Last week I thought I had strep again. It wasn’t. It was a viral throat thing that is still plaguing me off and on. Now, I come home and vegetate on the couch in front of the tv…oy. I just want the old me back again. Joey’s doctor said last week that it’s almost impossible for people with mental problems to quit smoking. Nicotine is a HUGE pleasure drug, quoting Dr. G. I was half tempted to tackle Joey and steal his spot on the couch. Well, it may be but neither depression nor a nicotine addiction is going to conquer me. I’ve been through much worse and come out better for it.

Anyway, good news, Ms. M. got herself an internship in Pittsburgh with one of the largest financial institutions and is making some darned good money doing it. She started Monday and takes the bus with me so no more midnight through dawn pick ups. I’m so proud at how she is turning her life around plus she makes dinner every night when we get home.

Joey tore something in his knee jogging with Meg and needs to get an MRI done tomorrow.

So life marches on. I have to thank all of you that checked up on me while I was MIA. It touched my heart and many times, I was just too numb to respond. I have beenreading journals but find myself so far behind. I’m going to start off fresh so I don’t totally overwhelm myself. ROFL…can you believe this is me saying this? Yikes…overwhelmed with journals; not the certified PSP/PC addict. Love you all and hope the worst is behind me. Nope, the worst is definitely behind me.

Now, it's Thursday.  I would have posted this yesterday but had DSL problems from huge storms.  LOL...figures, the first day I really wanted to be online, and I kept getting kicked off.  I'm hanging in there but definitely would not make it as the poster girl for smoking cessation.  Love and hugs to all.  I have a few snags that have been hiding in my Photobucket for quite a while.  (If anybody wants them tagged, let me know.) Think it's time to get back into my life again.




Sunday, June 10, 2007

I'm Back with some SNAGS or TAGS




I'm back after a sort of self-imposed break from my computer and life, in general.  It was a rough week but I'm slowly scratching my way out of the hole I put myself in.  I'm still smoke-free and on Tues, it will be two weeks. 

Megan had her court date.  She lost her license for 90 days and has been put on a payment plan for the fines.  She put a pretty good sum on it as a down payment.  She has 52 hrs of community service and is on probation for a year plus must take the victim's classes.  What rocked my world was that Pa. is not granting waivers to drive to and from work anymore.  I feel like I'm being sentenced.  I expect her to pay the fines which means she needs to work.  Her waitress schedule has her working from 4 or 6 pm to 1 or 3 in the morning every weeknight.  Guess who is picking her up?  There just is no other solution.  It would be so much easier to just pay the darned fines for her but I don't even begin to have that kind of money plus she would learn nothing.  I'm telling you this is going to be one long summer.  I feel like a dang zombie.  She gets her license back Sept 4th.  Big whoop.  She'll be back in school.  She has been cleaning the house for me which is really nice.

So, I sulked for at least a day or two.  I craved cigarettes for even more than a day or two.  I felt like banging my head off the wall for a day or two.  I wanted to cry for a day or two.  I couldn't even begin to make tags or do an entry.  I just felt empty.  Now, I'm trying to deal with this in some sort of positive way.  Megan's 21st birthday was Friday.

My pond is crystal clear, by the way.  Now, it's the pool I'm working on.  It has been a challenge.  I got in today.  Yuck, after all the chemicals, it was still slimey so I loaded it with chlorine, more algae crapand ran the filter all day.  It didn't look too bad tonight.  LOL...I want to run away from home.

I apologize for not visiting journals.  I'm a week behind and hope to start catching up with everyone.  I've been a scatterbrain so if I owe you a tag, please let me know, and I'll get it to you.



Saturday, June 2, 2007



No turning back for me, and, nope, I'm not that happy bee today.  This is my first day at home "smober", and, to be blunt, it SUCKS!

Day 2 was almost way too easy, no cravings, no craziness.  Yesterday, Day 3, was a mix of slight cravings and some craziness when I got home and found out my BF is working for the next two weekends again.  He is also sick.  He doesn't need the money but that's why he's working.  So, I just stifle what I really want to say.

Day 4, the beginning...I'm craving but I won't give in.  It's gonna be a bad day.  My pond...ugh.  I've poured so many chemicals in it but it's filled with sludge and leaves  I decided to drain it.  I did that the year before last. smells even with all the chemicals.  I got halfway through and my filter and pumped burned out.  They are inexpensive.  This is the second one I've had in 8 years.  So, I need to buy a pump.  Oy, my BF did it before but I've been doing all this myself now.  I hate dirty jobs but I did drain the pond the summer before last myself. So, a picture of my pond last summer in July.  I'm thinking that a lot of the flowers didn't make it through the winter plus my ivy died that covers the jets.  Anyway, July 2006 (you can see the rocks on the, you can):


Now, today June 2, 2007 when the pump was still working :(  That's my cart with crap I already removed from it.  I know it doesn't look that much different but those are leaves and other stuff you see; not the darned rocks.  Ewww...if I got closer, there are dead maggot looking thingies in it and it stinks.  It should be about the same color but clear.  Hope no one is eating.  This pond is a full time job itself.  I haven't even started the pool yet.


Off I go to the little hardware store.  They sell pond stuff far cheaper than the actual pond store.  Of course, there is this underlying anger at my BF because he is now sick and had to take off from his new job already.  Dang, I hate doing this stuff myself, and I hate that I haven't seen him in 3 weekends. 

On a good note, Megan cleaned the familyroom the other day.  It's totally immaculate.  She also came home at midnight last night.  A friend picked her up as soon as she got home.  I haven't seen her since.  BAH's her last weekend of freedom.  Monday is court day.  Ok, I'm being a total witch.  I'll leave you with some tags to snag or I'll tag em.  Don't know who  the artist is on the first one and right now I don't really give a rat's behind.









Warning.....the next tag may be offensive to some. It contains some adult content. You look farther, you've been warned.