Two beautiful girls, linked by genetics and birth parents but oh so different. Not the entry I had planned for today but does life ever go according to a plan. Becky, brooding Becky, who has carried so much weight on her shoulders. I wish I could find the link to my tribute entry to my oldest child and what drove her to success. I still want to cry when I think of it. It was a brilliant paper she wrote for entry into college but ripped my heart out. It was the fear of her alcoholic father that drove her to become the scholar she is today.
I sit here today in a mood which can't be explained but every loving mother knows that mood. A child in deep pain. My child is in deep pain. I think of Lisa Jo's boxes and often wonder if Becky has boxes in her mind with things closed tight in them. I know my son does because he has told me he chooses not to remember his childhood.
Becky's BF dumped her about 5 weeks ago. She has broken up with BF's and had them break up with her before. I figured she would be sad for a while and move on. Megan moved in with her shortly afterwards so she would have company. It's not happening. She is not getting over it. In fact, she is not sleeping, lost well over 10 lbs because she won't eat and comes home from school and goes to bed and cries or sleeps. She texted me a day or two ago begging me to find a way to help her. I then called Megan and found out that Becky is, in my opinion, clinically depressed. So, this was the incident that opened the boxes. I knew in my heart one day that Becky could keep suppressing all the fear, hurt and pain.
Some may not agree with me. Personally, I could care less. I called Dr. G. The problem was Becky's insurance is an HMO which he does not participate in. It would cost $1,200 for about 90 days of treatment. I wanted to throw up. Good news is Becky has the PPO plan which will pay a percentage for out of network treatment. On a side note, she told me she's been taking benadryl or Tylenol PM to sleep because she wakes up with panic attacks. That could become a huge problem. Keep my Becky in your thoughts, prayers, etc. I'm scared to death that she won't be able to keep up in the Ph.d. program. Thank goodness, she is done with the school part and doing the lab internship. Her old boss (professor) has moved her lab work times around so she doesn't have to see "M". That was a huge problem. She has 3 more years of the program with "M". He is truly not helping matters one bit but I didn't expect he would. She wil see the doc no later than Tues.
Daughter #2 does get stressed. She is a stress eater or so she says but weathers the storms relative unscathed. She was the baby and stood her ground with the "Dad" in our household. She was a tiny little thing but would look him straight in the eye and tell him he was mean. For some reason, he thought that was funny. She says now she was scared but would never let him know it. She talked back to him constantly. She was his baby. She doesn't carry the scars or the baggage of childhood like her brother and sister. She was the princess and demanded to be treated as one.
She is bubbly, boisterous, loves to have fun (too much at times). She is very much like me barring my depression era. I'm loud, I talk a lot, an awful lot. People that don't know my children find it hard to believe that my two oldest are quiet. I love to have fun, love to dance, love crazy hair. I can't believe I'm this old and still want to do the things I do.
Megan is gone for the weekend visiting a friend who graduated and lives in Ohio. She wanted Becky to go along. Becky didn't want to leave the comfort zone right now. Megan is frustrated. Boy, do I envy those who have no clue what it feels like to be depressed. I do worry about Megan because genetically she could suffer from depression at some point. I also feel guilt about being the gene carrier for that.
So, enough of that, for now. My BF is doing very well. He is off of the oxygen. We went to the store yesterday after work. Today, the goal is Wally World. Power is finally being restored in our area. I was blessed to have not lost mine. It flicked on and off a few dozen times. BF's cable was gone until yesterday. I never lost my sattelite connection which was amazing. Hard to believe that Ike caused so much havoc in placed you wouldn't expect.
I also gave my self a "Chrissy cut." It was really just a teensy trim. My hair was just cut 2 weeks ago but was out of control. Those short cuts grow out way too fast. My son is cracking up. I figure I get it professionally cut in two week so it should be grown out again. I really need to get it cut shorter to begin with. So the past couple of days have been a bad hair day. I think the back spikes pretty well now but I'm sure my beautician won't agree. Pfft.....it was just a slight trim on what I called the flying nun wings.
I really need to take a walk today. I need to push myself on the weekends. Heck, I need to push myself during the week sometimes.
Oh, and the timer on my dryer is kaput. I'm hoping that is all but it's taking twice as long for things to dry also. It just started Sunday before the storm. I need to get my appliance guy out sometime this week but my house is a total wreck :( I hate that. I could probably buy a new dryer for what it will cost to fix this one but it was a nightmare getting this one in the basement. I had three delivered before we got one small enough to fit down the 100 year old basement steps, and it still got a bit banged up. I mean it was a total nightmare. The appliance guy remembers that and said I might just want to fix this one. My electric bill is going to be atrocious so I must make my mind up very soon.
So, this was my book for the week. Ugh, I never seem to be ableto make a short and sweet entry. HUGS TO ALL...CHRIS
